(February 18, 2025 Newsletter)
Where to start…
Can I start at the end and simply say yes, I believe that people can change?
It feels like a complicated question because we all know people who are stuck in their ways, and we can all identify traits or habits about ourselves that will probably never change (for better or for worse).
As a new mom of twins, I’m also acutely aware – more than ever – of the fact that people are born with a personality and that nature and nurture truly are distinct.
And yet, we’ve all evolved in important ways throughout our lives. So, when clients ask whether I think people can change, I tend to say (optimistically) why not this time?
Why it matters
There are two kinds of personal change that I come across – people wanting to change themselves and people wanting to change others. Today we’re focused on the latter.
As an imperfect leader, you’re going to work with lots of imperfect people and want them to improve in all sorts of ways that will elevate your collective outcomes and the pleasantness of the work environment.
Last week, a client asked whether it’s possible to change someone on his senior leadership team. Over several years, the person hasn’t demonstrated interest in prioritizing something that’s important to him (my client, the CEO). The guy will do so begrudgingly, but still won’t initiate it himself. Should he accept that this is just how it is or double down on his efforts?
I find the answer “You can only change yourself” to be too simplistic and unhelpful when people are responsible for the work of other people. You have to be able to persuade and align people to get anything done. We change our minds regularly on topics big and small.
So maybe the title of this newsletter shouldn’t be “Can people really change?” but rather “How can you get people to change?”
How to get someone else to change – or at least get the ball rolling
Have this conversation (or series of conversations) in a different setting than your business-as-usual space. It will indicate that this is a serious conversation and one worth of your full attention. Choosing a fancy lunch restaurant for the conversation will convey a different tone than a conference room down the hall from your office.
Frame the challenge in the context of what already matters to the person, and preferably what matters to you both. Naming common goals and recognizing what you know drives them will communicate respect and connection.
Lay out your observations and the stakes you see of the person choosing to stay the same or change. The observations must include the good – what is working well, what you know about them that makes you sure that they could change if they put their mind to it, and why you value them. It needs to be genuine and specific or it will fall flat. The stakes must include where you’re already seeing negative impact and your projections of how it could get worse – for them, you, and/or the company. If you can bring evidence, your case will be even stronger.
Be curious about their perspectives, motivations, and assumptions. Be open to the fact that you don’t know everything about the situation. The “how” should include their input since they’ll be doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Plus, demonstrating your intellectual humility and openness can help build the long-term trust that is baked into this interaction’s goals.
Give it time. Sometimes leaving a conversation open-ended with a commitment to circle back will be more effective than trying to force a resolution the first time you’re addressing the topic head-on.
Final thought: Your respective roles play an important factor in the tone coming into such a conversation, but it doesn’t determine the outcome. Even newer managers who supervise tenured employees can approach such a conversation with grace and conviction, but will likely need assurance that their supervisor will back them up if something goes sideways.
The Coaching Corner
Get feedback on your approach
As you settle more and more into a coaching approach as a manager, it’s important to check in with your team occasionally and see what it’s like from their vantage point. Here are some questions you can borrow and make your own:
As you know / might have noticed, I’ve been working on coaching you more in our interactions; what’s helped and how could I keep improving?
I want to make sure that I’m supporting you as best as I can. What moments in the last few weeks/months stand out to you as impactful and when have I fallen flat?
What would you want me to do more of and less of?
Recommendations
Bridging Differences Playbook – wow, I went down such a rabbit hole on an Acela last week and read the whole thing. First of all, it gave me inspiration for designing a beautiful playbook, and second, it’s just full of helpful tips for connecting across difference.
A practical AI guide – “How AI Can Help Managers Think Through Problems”. It’s amazing to think of how AI can be a thought partner to you, especially those of you who feel like you aren’t sure in whom to confide when you don’t know the answer. Use your judgment when sifting through responses, but give it a shot and let me know what you discovered!
New managing up guide – “7 Questions to Decode Your Manager’s Priorities”. I dedicate this to all my clients who have complained to me over the years that your boss is unclear.
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